Monday, 24 May 2010

A touch warmer

A touch warmer

Anyone who has owned an Apple iPhone and Touch will recognise the problems of keeping him warm and safe.
This morning I encountered an interesting iPhone case that was obviously knitted by his grandma or wife. It ticked all the boxes in keeping his phone warm from the winter winds, but I worry about the effects on it after its first wash, as anyone who has had something knitted will know, shrinkage and deformation are inevitable outcomes.
I suppose once deformed, it could always double as warmer for his more intimate parts, depending of course on which way it goes.

Monday, 10 May 2010

Brace yourselves

Brace yourselves

Odd journey in.
Various things caught my attention this morning, I must be more receptive to the odd today.
One in particular was a large executive boarding the train with bald head and a particular style I thought had died out with skinheads and yuppies. That is a pair of  braces, the type that drag your trousers up the butt ravine. -I'm sure it would be something Gok would recommend against on the larger executive. Anyway, it seems this sense of styling is yet to fully disappear.
Second, chap next to me has got his homework out and it has sat there doing nothing..surely his boss wouldn't be happy. I think he is trying to look executive, along with another opposite who just opened his tupperware breakfast of rabbit food and milk.
I feel sick.

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Fruits of my labour

Fruits of my labour

After a successful leaflet campaign and endless free gifts, I now have a fully operational bird feeder.
Their little beaks are now feeding frantically, but I am sure they will move on once the bribes have dried up.
Loaded up the Vegetable beds this weekend with various bulbs and fruit bushes..assuming the damn birds don't decide to dig up the bulbs and as long as they don't decide to extend their diet in the future months to a fruit cocktail dessert...I hope to have some results.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Bird competition

Bird competition

In an effort to embrace nature, I took the step of purchasing a few bird feeders. After loading them up with bird attracting ammunition, I searched the garden for suitable locations.
I thought, one near, so that I can at least get something from watching them enjoy their little banquet and one at the back of the garden so that they can enjoy quieter more romantic meals together.
A day in...nothing..not even a nibble, ungrateful gits. I then noticed that next doors offerings number seven  feeders and it seems they are dining there.

I have no idea how to lure them over the fence and steal his trade, as I am feeling a little like someone who opened a restaurant up a side alley while mcDonalds is open on the main street.

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Shaddap You Face

Many years ago in a land of baggy trousers and ruffle shirts a song was denied a place in history. Vienna, that old drawn out 80's classic was squished by a certain Joe Dolce to No 1 with a shocking track called "Shaddap You Face".

"Whassamatta you? (hey!)
Gotta no respect?
Whaddaya think you do?
Why you looka so sad?
It's-a not so bad
It's-a nice-a place
Ah, shaddap you face!"

It seems a campaign of epic proportions has begin to rig the charts and send Vienna to the top. . I have donated my 69p on the side of Midge and his crew and it seems sales are going well, but, it seems Joe is fighting back with his counter campaign.

The sacred charts used to have a meaning once, singles would truly be worthy of a place up it seems you can get anything up there.

So, I am going to start another for "Remember you're a womble" and see if I can get those refuse collectors back to where they belong.

Thursday, 25 March 2010

A moving experience

My torrid journey to purchase a house draws nearer to close as the parasitic solicitors try to extract the last remnants of cash from this whole affair. I have somehow managed to pick up 2 new insurance policies on route, one to cover a building certificate on an internal wall that the previous owners, previous owner failed to get and the other for a church roof.
The church roof in question, somewhere out there in the country, is my responsibility thanks to some old Lord of the Manor off-loading his responsibilities to his overtaxed peasants.
So, When the time comes, I'll be ready...the peasants will have a roof above their heads for them sing their little hearts out.

Friday, 19 March 2010

Bag man

Bag man

I felt for the unhappy plight of a poor old chap this morning as I passed him on the way to the station.
He'd obviously been to Tescos and overloaded his carrier bag which had duly split apart. It wasn't just a side split, no, this puppy had disintegrated.
The pavement was covered with his items and sadly he seemed to have nowhere to put them. Everytime he picked a number up the others dropped to the floor. I really don't know what you can do in that situation, short of leaving the lot on the floor and heading home to get a bag, in the vain hope that when you return they will still be there.
Why, didn't I help him? Because I was heading to the station...sadly.

Monday, 15 March 2010

A holey mess

Came across a weird hole in my garden lawn this weekend. I suspect it originates from a cheeky little dog that has recently moved in next door.

It looks like small paws have inflicted the damage, especially as recently, the midget hound in question, found it necessary to come into my garden and bark at me through the patio doors. The bark was more of a "Yip" than a "woof" but equally irritating. It's owner has been reassuring me that it found a hole in the fence and she will block it..still it arrives.

I may have to lay down preventive I am not sure there are many people out there campaiging for dog land mine victims.

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Stranger things can happen

Stranger things can happen

Came across one of lifes odd timing issues yesteday.
The day before, whilst endlessly waiting for a train, I got chatting with another frustrated commuter about  the current failings of the rail network.
As you know, it is forbiden to talk idly with strangers during commuter time, this passed without the authorities knowing.
So, yesterday morning, I exited the house and proceeded along my road where to my horror, I saw the very same commuter heading across my path, the timing couldn't have been worse, we were on collision course..what would I say, I can't just say hello and walk alongside him, I couldn't just say hello and speed off.
So, I dropped my engines to half speed and lagged behind, but, it got drastically worse, the main road we cross lay ahead and he stopped to cross, I arrived at the scene and for some bizarre reason said "good luck". I had to then continue, at a now accelerated speed, without crossing, on a longer route to the station,
I do hope the trains are on time in the future.

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Brown collar workers

Brown collar workers

Saw another of my pet hates this morning, the dreaded brown collared crombie type thingy coat.
You know the one, tight fitting long straight, beige/camel coat with an ugly brown collar.
When and who invented this monstrocity is anyones guess. I also encountered an attached demi human a few weeks back that decided to go shoulder to shoulder on the platform as we jostled our way off it. His aggressively ugly face only matched by his equally ugly coat. Maybe that is why I feel a further need to attack this fashion statement.
If I discover who was responsible for this styling, I'll post it.

Friday, 5 March 2010

Flying responsibilities

Flying responsibilities

Yesterday I boarded another flight to rain soaked Spain, leaving the sunshine of the UK behind me.

In my usual effort in trying to gain some legroom on board the plane I booked seat 2B. 2B is one of those rare seats on a plane where you pay around 15 pounds extra for another 6 inches..not a bad deal in the current economic climate, but the seat you really want is the holy exit aisle. The seat where you not only get loads more legroom, but become a member of the CREW for a day.

Supposedly at any time during the flight these chosen new recruits can be called upon to fling open the door the midst of burning jet fuel licking your ankles, be required to stand and guide fellow passengers to safety.

Now, I am sure that if any ailing passenger aside me at the door requires my assistance I would be there for them, but I cannot guarantee my actions amidst jet fuel and mayhem. As a member of the crew, that is unacceptable behaviour and one that has left me to evaluate my future with the airline.

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Boogie wonderland

It seems that london is burning again, not since the great fire of london has london suffered as much disruption. It seems an old copy of the evening standard has caught fire and forced the closure of 3 major stations.

So here I stand on a platform waiting for something to happen.

It seems the natural elements are conspiring against the rail networks, we have had ice, now fire. I'll settle for wind over earth next. I am not keen on the idea of an earth attack.

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Unsociable Notworking

Unsociable Notworking

Yesteday, I was struck by the utter pointless activity that is Facebook.

Maybe I realised I am either too old for it or just too unsociable to be a social networker.
As I waded through another raft of utterly pointless quotes on how well someones non existant pig or fish was doing, through more information than I needed on people I am not sure I finally dawned on me that the whole Facebook scene is something that should be left to my sons age group.

No doubt this post will drop my already threadbare number of friends down to single digits..but that's real life.

Sunday, 28 February 2010

Rummaging through my privates

Cleaning out the old rubbbish from the rooms around the house this weekend, I suffered a very odd personal indignity. Off to the local household waste site to deposit said rubbish in the big skips and arrived there on a very quiet spell.

Four large heavy sacks were dropped into the skips, whereupon a local employee then decided to dismantle said bags with his big stick and hook. The thing is...yes, it is rubbish and is meant to be disgarded..but to have somebody rummaging through it is a little bit disturbing.
I was happy, originally, in the knowledge that it was just another anonymous bag in the sea of rubbish, but seeing one, then another employee begin to work their way through it was too much.

I knew there was nothing in there to be concerned about..but I felt violated, and I am not sure why.

Cheap tricks

I was doing my weekly shop yesterday in a major supermarket chain, heavily promoted by Mr Oliver.
Looking, as usual, for the obvious food bargains cleverly placed on all the main aisles. I tracked down my old favourite, a pack of large king prawns, seductively reduced again to £2.99. Then it dawned on me that I'd been paying this almost every week for the past two years, bar the odd week when it was back to its original price.

Surely then, they should place this particular item in its own cabinet with the sign "For one week only, double the price".

Watch out for those chicken pieces too.

Friday, 26 February 2010

Dodgy Terrain

Encountered an interesting sight this morning as I exited the Station. A large man dressed as a cow with sewn on plastic udders and face paint, collecting for charity. A worthy cause and all credit to him for his efforts. The interesting thing was his Cow suit and it’s origins. It was a good effort despite the busy pattern..this led me to think that it may have been one of those eastern European combat suits that Army surplus sell.

The point really is, It never really worked as a camouflage outfit either..I am not entirely sure what terrain it would offer much defence in. If it was a snowy terrain with maybe the odd cow dispersed within it, you may get away with it, but I felt it really had little chance of defending the owner.

Thursday, 25 February 2010

Nested problems

Nested problems

Whilst standing on the platform this morning it struck me how difficult it is to actually build a nest in a tree.
 This also led me think that it is inevitable that all birds that are forced to do it ( by a weird quirk of nature) aren't necessarily proficient  at it.
My thinking is based on the principals that all humans aren't necessarily good at DIY.
If you were a bird that is afflicted with this problem, it must be incredibly disheartening to arrive at your chosen tree with your correctly selected stick, only to lay it down and see it fall 20 feet to the floor.

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Making up for time

Sitting on the train this morning I came across another strange female phenomenon. The women that do their makeup on the train. I can only assume that these women are incredibly confident in themselves that they exit the house without makeup and show everyone on the train how little they need or good they are at putting it on.


I was subjected to various nudges and shuffles as the woman in question rummaged through her bag searching for that perfect colour. As well as all the inevitable pouting etc that goes with the performance.


I don’t have any real objections to this whole act, but I am left thinking, why?


 If they are that happy with their looks that they decide to join the ranks of the mindless on the platforms without makeup, then why feel the need to wear it at all?  Maybe it is simply that you can only get that beautiful by getting loads of sleep and hence have little time to actually apply it when the rest of the world do.


Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Hanging out with jeans

Hanging out with jeans

I have been noticing a trend over the past year in jeans that hang down around the knees and less attractively display large amounts of the owners arse. I was unfortunate to have seen a pair last week that were actually hanging below the grey panted cheeks. This led me to thinking on how they remain up. As most people that have ever been forced to rush for the telephone in mid function will know.
How is it possible to walk around with them hanging that low and not have them around your ankles.

Monday, 22 February 2010

Too close for comfort

Too close for comfort

Why do people think it is acceptable to remain seated next to someone when the rest of the carriage is empty..

The average seat on most trains is tight to say the least, especially for a 6ft-2 man..but to insist on keeping him pinned into it is frankly unacceptable.

No shoes for old men

No shoes for old men

Battling with the disappointment of having to replace a pair of shoes that decided to come dawned on me how ridiculously difficult it has become to find a pair of shoes that don't resemble something from Aladdin.

Every shoe I looked at had the same pointed, curled up toe..which for most younger men probably does enough to look stylish..but for someone in their forties..looks desperate..even Marks and Spencer, the last bastion of old age had little choice other than the Aladdin look.

I have no real objection to looking ridiculous..but I think there comes a time when you have to give it up for a more sensible long lasting shoe.

Another rainy day

Another rainy day

A miserable journey to work this morning...having lost my umbrella the previous week..I was left with little choice but to take the car.
Where is all this rain coming seems impossible to believe that somewhere on this planet there is the chance for the sun to do its work to get the water back up there..I can only think that todays rain that fell on my head came from an aussies puddle.